Britain's Own Bonnie and Clyde
by lindsay.frances.brown
Summary: (Character gender swap) Pip Valentine and Lindsay brown are two bank robbers. On the run from the law, they stumble into the house of Richard Rider for help. They go camping with their associates Ty and Danny, Richard Tagging along for the ride.
1. Chapter 1

(Rider)

Swallowing down the last dregs of cold tea I shiver and reach to turn on the telly. I know that upstairs will be warm but somehow the heat never quite reaches the rooms that I want to be in. The news comes on, some woman droning on about world peace. I flick through the channels, too fast to see, just for something to distract me from the cold.

A sudden pounding on the door interrupts a shit American sitcom. Some religious twats probably. I prepare my usual "fuck off" response and open the door.  
"Alright. Erm, can we come in? We're in a bit of trouble, yeah? We needa lay low for a bit"  
Huge blue eyes flutter at me from under feathery black hair that hides a blackening eye. A string of pearls clicks around her neck and her hands are somehow tucked into incredibly tight looking red jeans. Another, taller girl stands behind her, one hand by her side and the other almost touching the small of the first one's back. Her brown knitted jumper hangs heavily from her shoulders, thin rimmed glasses sliding down her nose. Bags sit at their feet.  
"Ummm…" I am lost for words. What do you say to two incredibly familiar strangers on you doorstep in the middle of a storm?  
"Sorry about her," the taller, more serious looking one says, "introductions aren't her forte." Blue eyes sparkle and the shorter one reaches up a hand to brush a strand of bright red hair out of her face. A plastic orange ring has been jammed onto her finger.  
"Right, sorry. It's Pip. Pip Valentine"  
I freeze, eyes wide. It can't be.  
"Lindsay Brown." The tall one holds her hand out smoothly. Still in shock, I take it.  
"Could we hole up here for a wee while? Bit of a nightmare out there" I nod a t Pip's request like harbouring oddly familiar criminals is a hobby of mine. She beams.  
"This way Erm, Pip…." I turn "Lindsay?"  
Pulling sheets from the cupboard as I go we make our way into the warmth upstairs, Pip springing up like an overexcited puppy and Lindsay slowly trailing after. I show them to their rooms, asking myself why I am doing this. Leaving clean sheets on the bed, I say goodnight.

In the middle of the night, bumping from the kitchen wakes me. The far-from-delicate thumping steps tells me it is Pip, and realising it is just hot chocolate being made, I fall back asleep.

Groaning and rolling over, I look at the clock. 6:08. I lie down again, ready to go back to sleep. I love Sundays. Suddenly I remember the two strangers in the rooms down the hall. Pulling a dressing gown over my arms, I tiptoe into the warm corridor. Slowly, carefully, I open the door to Pip's room, fingers crossed that I haven't made them up. Holy shit, it looks like a bomb has gone off. There are clothes strewn everywhere and every available surface is covered in….something. Drawings, CD's, hats, odd socks. But amongst the clutter it is clear that Pip's bed is empty. A smile curling on the edge of my lips, I pad to the next room along. This one is tidy, the bags sitting next to the bed. They lie, curled next to each other, Pip's fluffy hair spread over the pillow, blankets tucked around her body. Her black eye looks less prominent now, in the dim light of the morning. Lindsay's hand is clutched at the edge of the duvet, as if she has fallen asleep knowing that it would get pulled away. Her winter tartan pyjamas are tucked into socks. They both look peaceful, as if the weight of the world has been lifted off their shoulders. The damp looking foot of a brown sock monkey pokes out from where it is tucked under Pips chin and a swirl of tattoos stands out on the pale skin of her arm. I close the door gently and go downstairs, smiling despite myself. There is a newspaper in the hall. On the front cover it says "Britain's own Bonnie and Clyde". I don't even need to look at the picture to see who it is.

Lindsay stumbles downstairs first, still rubbing sleep from her eyes.  
"Sleep well?" I nod at her over my coffee. She mumbles an answer then asks for coffee. "Sugar?"  
"Three, and milk please. Here, do you want me to make it?" She reaches out to help but I shake my head and gesture for her to sit down. She does, yawning widely. The kettle seems to take forever to boil, making the awkward silence between us stretch out.  
"Sooo…" she starts, "thanks for letting us stay last night. We should probably get out of your hair soon though."  
Spooning the sugars into her mug I blurt out, "No, no. you don't have to go. Stay for as long as you like, wait till the noise dies down."  
She smiles slightly, tugging at the corner of her now dry brown jumper.  
"Thnax." She says, avoiding eye contact. A huge crash comes from the hall and she leaps to her feet. Pip clatters into the room, grinning like a maniac.  
"Sorry mate, mighta broken something on my way down." She laughs and leans over Lindsay to steal her drink. Lindsay just smiles, saying nothing.  
"Sleep well?"  
They nod in unison, Lindsay tucking into the toast that I put in front of them. Pip just sits next to her, leaning against her shoulder. The silence stretches on again.  
"Where are you from?" I have to ask. I have to know.  
"We just came from London, hoping to head to Wales soon though." Pip chatters away about the house they are going to buy, the job Lindsay is going to get, how they are going to go to France for a holiday. She talks about their friends, Ty and Danny, how Ollie will wonder where they are, how Ellie might send them a post card. I listen, absorbing every detail, feeling more and more like I already know them.  
"Do I know you?" I finally interrupt. Lindsay smiles slightly, curling a strand of Pips hair around her finger.  
"Nope. Your house was the only one with lights on. And anyway…" Pip continues on with her story. How the job went wrong, the police driving past at just the wrong moment. Lindsay is watching Pip and Pip is looking all around the room, taking in the dark rugs, marble workbench, panelled walls, and antique paintings.  
"… and then we ended up here. So what are we going to do now?" Pip shuts up and looks between Lindsay and me questioningly. Lindsay sits up straighter.  
"We are going to get dressed, sort out our shit – you have to tidy your room – and then we are going to discuss a lodging plan with Mr…" she trails off, raising her eyebrows.  
"Rider. Richard Rider." I automatically hold out my hand again. She shakes it, smiling slightly like she knows something that I don't.  
"With Mr Rider." She finishes. "Does that sound like a good plan?"  
Pip nods and I shrug. Hand in hand, they march upstairs.

**The Previous Day:**

(Lindsay)

Pip carefully pulls up in the car park. Taking this place has been my dream since I first started on the jobs years ago. This was the big one. Lloyds, with it is huge pillars and complex security making the thrill that much sweeter when we took it. The click of our guns being locked and loaded seems very loud in the confined space of the car and I look over at Pips terrified face. Danny says something about no muck ups and Pip nods tensely. The other two get out and lean against the boot but I hesitate for a minute, unsure of what to say. Goodbye? That just sounds so final though so I just say nothing as usual.  
"Don't die." She suddenly blurts out, sounding like she's about to cry. Without hesitation I lean forward and place a kiss on her cheek.  
"Don't worry sweetheart, everything's going to go according to plan. Dying isn't part of it." She lets out a noise that almost makes me put a stop to the job but instead I take my gun from her and step out of the car, feeling the anticipation in my stomach. Ty and Danny just look at me and nod. Together, as a team, we enter the bank.

Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds to get through the maintenance door and up the first flight of stairs to the main level.  
"Cameras?" I look at Danny. She nods.  
"Rigged."

Ty pulls three balaclavas out of her briefcase, silently handing them out just in case. We slip them on and immediately make our way up the stairs, nerves uncurling in my stomach. Metal echoes under our feet despite our sensible trainers. There is a grey emergency exit door and we pause. Thirty seconds. Another five and we have to be through the door. Ten more and we come to another door, grander this time. Huge solid oak ones with big brass handles. Guns loaded, the plan seared into our brains. Three, two, one. Danny cracks one of the doors open and slips through into a silent room, Ty following and me shutting it gently behind us. A quick glance into the top left corner tells me that Danny was right. The cameras are off. Two years working here. Two years of an honest to god job and now we know the entire building by heart. Know that two o'clock on Wednesdays is the quietest time and therefore the best for the Job. One minute. Ty slips into the cashier area, gun raised to a woman's head, harshly but calmly telling her what to do. A huge black bag thumps onto the counter.  
"Nobody say a word. Stay calm and stand against that wall." I gesture to the far north wall. One minute thirty. Danny herds them over. Ty is still loading money into the bag. Fifteen seconds and a guard is going to walk in. I step next to the door, waiting for him. Ten, nine, eight… I look at the huddle of civilians against the wall. One looks familiar and I squint. What's Ollie doing here? Five, four… It hits me then. The quiet. Why is there no cheesy music playing in the background like there always is? Where is the sound of the lifts? Three, two…  
"Duck!"  
Danny and Ty hit the floor and I throw myself towards the wall. The double oak doors blast open, black clunky figures streaming through guns clicking. Ollie is right next to me, breath racing and sweat clinging to her face.  
"You little prick," I snarl, twisting her long hair in my hand, snapping her head backwards. "You set us up."  
She laughs a tiny bit and I yank her head.  
"Fuck you." She hisses through clenched teeth. "I warned Pip that you'd get done for this. I know you're not good for her, no matter how much she thinks she adores you."  
"She'll get sent down too." Ollie tries to shake her head. "Oh yes she will, "I continue, "She's outside right now. She's our getaway driver." Two minutes ago, everything was fine. With a savage snarl I fling Ollie against the wall and spin around gun raised. Ty is already shooting, Danny by her side clutching the black bag. They yell something that is drowned out by the shattering glass caused by the police's return fire. One, two shots and a black figure crumples. Running now, throwing ourselves through the doors, back down the stairs, into the car park. Three minutes. Pip is sitting perfectly straight a look of shock on her face as we burst through the door, feet skidding. Pip flings the car doors open as the police burst in behind us.  
"Get down!" If Pip gets shot now… The wrong side of the car. I'm on the fucking wrong side of the car. With a grunt I fling myself over the bonnet, firing blindly into the blue-black swarm next to the door. Slipping in behind the passenger door I take a deep breath. Ty and Danny poke their heads over the back seats, looking terrified through the car. Terrified and really pissed off. Pip slips out onto the concrete next to me, her breath hitching in little gasps and hands shaking.  
"What's happening? What's going on?" her voice breaks with fear in the middle.  
"I don't know. They got tipped off." I don't tell her about Ollie, don't want to upset her right now. Later, I tell myself. Tell her later. I let off another round of bullets.  
"The fuck is going on Lin?" Ty shouts at me and I shake my head. Now is not the time to be looking for answers. The car door shakes as police bullets ram into it and Danny, Ty and I fire back while Pip huddles half in half out of the car. A brief second of nothing, no noise and no movement, then the police are running towards the car again, surrounding it this time. I kick out and shoot, vaguely aware of the other two doing the same while I try desperately to bundle Pip into the car. I don't see how it happens but out of nowhere Pips head is being cracked against the car by some fat jerk. One shot and he's writhing on the floor clutching his knee.  
"Pip, get in the car and get us the hell outta here!" Danny yells over the din. Pip begins to climb over to the driver's seat but I know that that's where the coppers will be aiming their last bullets.  
"Get in the back Pip. Ty will drive" My voice is calm and quiet but she does as she's told with only a questioning look. I sling myself into the front next to Ty. As we pull away I look back to check that no one is dead.

Street lights flash past my window as we speed down dark streets. I sigh and rest my head against the cool glass. How did it all go so wrong in five minutes? The more I think back on it the more I hate Ollie and regret not shooting her the first time we met, so I stop and think about where to go next. We pass a street sign and I know where we need to go.  
"Just drop us here." I say to Ty.  
"Are you thick? You'll get caught!"  
"Look, the police are looking for all of us together. Therefore, we should stay separate till everything dies down. It's the only way to stay safe."  
Ty looks at me, angry because she knows that I'm right.  
A few streets later Ty pulls up outside a huge house with lit windows.  
"Just here."  
"What makes you think these people are gonna let you stay?" she asks. "You're on the most wanted list now mate." I point at Pip sitting in the back seat.  
"I have her. She could get us into the fucking Ritz if she wanted to. And if not, I always have this." I hold up my gun. Ty grimaces and I step out of the car, pulling another black bag with mine and Pips share of our earnings in it.  
"Good luck Lindsay you berk, Pip." Danny grunts and just like that, we are left standing alone on the sidewalk.

(Pip)

My heart thuds against my ribcage as I push the accelerator down, not too hard though. Not yet. Getting caught for speeding isn't what we need now. It isn't what we need ever, but particularly not now. Not with what we are about to do. 'The big one', Lindsay calls it. The job she's been planning for months, years maybe. Today is the day we take Lloyds.  
I can see it now, big marble pillars and twisty trees, the plaque over the door that says something in Latin. You get the picture; well posh. I pull up in the car park and listen to the 'click, click' of guns being locked and loaded. I swallow dryly. 'She'll be fine, she always is' I try to tell myself. 'Bullshit. It's all going to go horribly wrong and it'll be your fault for driving 'em here' argues my glass half empty side. My inner turmoil ends there though, as Danny hits me on the shoulder.  
"Right pipsqueak, this is it. Just be ready to go when you hear the alarms. No time for muck-up's"  
I nod meekly, gripping the edge of the steering wheel tightly. I hear Danny and Ty get out, and then turn to Lindsay.  
"Don't die." I say, choking slightly. She kisses me very gently on the cheek.  
"Everything's going to go to plan sweetheart, and dying isn't part of it."  
I let out a half laugh half sob and hand over her beloved revolver. She smiles at me, a dangerous spark in her eye and I watch the three trench-coated figures disappear through the service door.  
I wait a second then sink down in the driver's seat, screwing my eyes tightly shut. My fringe flops down over my face. I blow it up impatiently, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel. I flick on the radio, listening to some mindless dribble about economic decline. I click through the channels; boring, boring, stupid, boring, eurgh, boring. Then, somehow a channel playing the Clash 'Police and Thieves' comes on and I laugh bitterly, sinking back into my seat. I sit like that for a few minutes. What is going on? Suddenly, the service door bursts open, Lindsay running madly flanked by Danny, Ty and no less than eight police officers. No, my mistake, five officers and three security guards.  
"PIP, GET DOWN!" Lindsay yells as she skids over the bonnet and let's rip with a smattering of bullets. I duck down, crawling in front of the passenger seat where I flop out onto the concrete behind the open door next to Lindsay.  
"What's happening? What's going on?" I shout, panic breaking my voice.  
"I don't know. They got tipped off." Another round of bullets. Ty and Danny look at us from the other side of the car.  
"The fuck is going on Lin?"  
Lindsay shakes her head at Ty. Not now. A round of bullets from the other side rocks the car. I let the other three fire back, while I sit uselessly crouched next to Lindsay. The car park falls silent, too silent. Then a pounding of feet, shouting as the dreaded authorities swarm around the car. Danny and Ty take out a decent wave but nothing compared to Lindsay's sweeping kicks and trigger pumping. An officer who has somehow lost his gun punches me hard, my head cracking back against the car door. Lindsay shoots him in the knee. Danny yells;  
"Pip, get in the car and get us the hell outta here!"  
I swing in, preparing to drive; slam my foot down and pull a 180⁰. But Lindsay pulls me away.  
"Get in the back Pip. Ty will drive."  
I look at her, confused but do as I'm told as we all pile into the car. Officers in various states of pain lie scattered around the car. None dead though. Lindsay's lot are good at what they do.  
We speed away into the darkening evening. Not long until more coppers turn up.

"Just drop us here"  
"Are you thick? You'll get caught!"  
"Look, the police are looking for all of us together." Lindsay argues. "Therefore, we should stay separate till everything dies down. It's the only way to stay safe."  
I let Ty and Lin argue. Still shocked and confused, my eye throbs and I can feel it swelling each second. Ty has gone quiet so I assume that Lindsay has won. The car turns three corners; two lefts and a right. We are down a quiet dark street. Only one house has lights on.  
"Just here." Lindsay says.  
"What makes you think these people are gonna let you stay?" Ty won't give up. "You're on the most wanted list now mate."  
Lindsay jerks a thumb toward me.  
"I have her. She could get us into the fucking Ritz if she wanted to. And if now, I always have this." She holds up her gun.  
I climb out of the car, standing next to Lindsay, unsure of what was going to happen next.  
"Good luck Lindsay you berk, Pip." And with that and a grunt from Danny, they are gone and Lindsay and I stand alone on the black street.  
She steers me towards the house, and when we stand in the windows warm glow she firmly tilts my head back to have a proper look at my eye. She turns me this way and that and I don't protest. I am exhausted and the rain is threatening to fall. I shiver at the prospect of thunder.  
"C'mon. We – you - need to sleep."  
We trudge up the front steps and I desperately try to cover my blackening eye with my long fringe. I press the doorbell. There are slow footsteps from inside. Whoever is in there doesn't want visitors. I plaster on a wide eyed smile. Just one eye contributing to that, the other looks wracked by bubonic plague.  
"Showtime sweetheart." Lindsay whispers into my hair. I want so badly to cuddle up to her, but the stage calls and am-drams are my area of expertise. The door swings open and I take a deep breath.  
The man in the door is about six feet tall and has a head of ash-blonde hair. He looks about 50-ish and has hazel eyes with almost girlishly long eyelashes. He would be very attractive had he not been wearing pyjama bottoms, a stained grey shirt and looked as if he hasn't shaved in a month.  
Right, my time to shine.


	2. Chapter 2

**The next day:**

(Lindsay)

"So how did it all go wrong?" Pip asks. I look at Richard Rider. He doesn't look scared, just slightly surprised that he's harbouring two wanted criminals the day after a blotched up bank robbery. I hesitate, wondering if I should tell her about Ollie.  
"Well?" she prompts when I take too long.  
"Your _mate_ tipped the coppers off." Perhaps not the best way to break it to her but it's too late to take it back now. Pip freezes.  
"What?" her voice is icy. Yep, definitely shouldn't have told her.  
"Ollie. It was Ollie who tipped them off."  
A look of murderous rage descends on Pips face. Without a word she bolts out of the kitchen. I hear the front door slam and Richards's car start.  
"Bugger. She nicked your keys." I tell him. "I'll try and stop her from driving off a cliff."  
By the time I'm downstairs she is revving the engine impatiently.  
"Let me drive." I say.  
"No."  
"_Let me drive_."  
"No!"  
I give up and climb into the passenger seat of the cherry red Ferrari.  
"We're supposed to be keeping a low profile, so you pick _this_?" I ask incredulously. Pip just clenches her jaw and puts her foot down.

Pip storms straight up to the big white house, eyes blazing. No hint of hesitation shows as the pushes through the front door, leaving it hanging open like an invitation. With a sigh, I heave myself out of the car and follow her. I begin to regret telling Pip about Ollie's involvement in the set up as screaming reaches my ears and I stand in the hallway. Following the noise, I trace Pip and Ollie to a huge airy living room. Children's toys litter the floor and I step carefully around them as I work my way to the back wall where they are standing. A massive gilt mirror hangs on the wall just beside Ollie, reflecting the whole room.

"Restrain your fucking freak show of a girlfriend! Pip, you really can do better..." Ollie trails off when she sees the icy look that Pip gives her.

"What, like you?" Pips voice is full of scorn and the urge to step between them and defend her springs up in my chest. No, I tell myself. She has to fight a few of her own battles.

"I wouldn't hurt you! I wouldn't even touch you!"

Pip just smirks, a cruel glint in her eye like she knows she's about to push it too far.

"Exactly." she purrs, leaning in, taunting Ollie. "Good luck with the boyfriend. Oh, and take care of the kids." She goes to turn around but Ollie darts forward, pushing Pip up against the mirror and kissing her fully. Right in front of me. Rage sweeps over my mind, blocking out everything else and before I know it my hand is on Ollie's collarbone, pulling her away from Pips startled face. I can feel bones crunching slightly under my fingers. A pathetic cry escapes Ollie's lips and I smash her head against the mirror before turning around and striding calmly back out the front door and into the car where I sit and wait for Pip to come back. It only takes a minute.

"I hope you're happy." she says as she sits next to me. "Ollie has a munted collarbone and a broken nose now. She said that you're a fucking cunt and I'm an idiot if I still want to be with you." I open my mouth to defend myself but she just holds up her hand. "Let me finish. Then I told her that it was her fault for kissing me with you standing right there and that I don't love her anymore. Can we go home now?"

And Pip looks so shocked and exhausted that I say nothing, just start the car and drive away, leaving Ollie bleeding and broken in her living room.

**One year later:**

(Rider)

"I'm booorrred. Why can't I go out to a party?"  
I look at Lindsay, waiting for her to deal with Pip's boredom. She puts down her book, slowly placing her glasses on top of it and walks over to where Pip is sitting. They look at each other for a moment, Pip waiting for the usual lecture about safety. Instead, Lindsay sits down next to her, pulling Pip into her arms.  
"You can now, if you want. It's been long enough since the job." She is smiling slightly, like she knows how happy this will make Pip. And it does make her happy, her face lighting up as she becomes instantly alert.  
"Really? Is it really ok Lin?" she looks up at Lindsay, bouncing a little with excitement. Lindsay just nods. Immediately, Pip jumps to her feet and races up the stairs muttering to herself about shirts and nail paint. I nod at Lindsay. I know that she doesn't really want Pip to go. I know that she thinks it is still too dangerous, but she knows that it will make Pip happy and in the past year I have realised that that's all she really cares about.

Electro music blasts from their room as Pip prepares for her night out and Lindsay goes back to reading with a faint smile. I shake my head and go back to the paper.

Two hours later, Lindsay puts her book down and stretches, looking up at the clock. Music is still blasting from their room. Tugging her jumper down she stands up and trudges upstairs.  
"I'll just go and check on her." She explains, striding up the stairs. She disappears and the music stops, silence falling over the house except for the crackling of the fire and the rustle of the paper.

(Lindsay)

I knock hesitantly on the door before waiting a second, then entering. The stereo is on full volume, blasting out Bowie. Our room is even more of a tip than usual, dresses, corsets and lost shoes scattered on the floor. Only the bed is clear, Pip curled up in the middle still in her jeans and pink 'princess' shirt. She looks up when I enter but doesn't move. Carefully stepping around the mess on the floor I turn cut Bowie off mid-word and sit on the edge of the bed, looking at Pip. She leans back against the headboard, eyes closed, looking so young in the dim light. I swing my legs onto the bed and slide up next to her, pulling her into a cuddle without a word. We stay like that for a minute, just breathing.  
"What if you're right?" she asks suddenly.  
"About what?"  
"What if it _is_ still too dangerous? I know you think it is." She adds before I can interrupt. "I don't want to get caught and then have you get caught too, all because of me wanting to party."  
"I'm just being paranoid." I tell her. "I'm being a stingy spoil sport who is too selfish to let you out of my sight."  
She smiles at that, like I knew she would, and I kiss the top of her head.  
"You could always come with me." she peers up through her eyelashes at me. I laugh.  
"Don't push your luck otherwise I might make you stay here."  
"And how would you do that?" she teases, leaping off the bed and pulling clothes into her arms.  
"Well this door does have a lock… and don't think I haven't seen those fluffy handcuffs in your draw." she laughs again and tells me to get out while she gets dressed.

(Rider)

When Pip finally comes down stairs she looks… interesting. Wearing a dark red tartan dress with a corset bodice and massive fluffy petticoats holding the skirt out, thick black tights, chunky biker boots, a gunmetal-grey steel necklace dripping with strings of jade beads she looks a bit like a boy in drag, and disturbingly familiar. Lindsay sees her and grinds her teeth.  
"I'm not giving you a lift looking like that."  
Pip laughs. "Sure, sure. Can we take the Ferrari? I got some mates meeting me downtown and we're gonna work our way through every bar we can get into. Tess said she'd bring her glitter eyeliner…" she keeps talking even as Lindsay gets up to leave the room, Pip following. "… and it's not too late for you to come too."  
Lindsay stops in the doorway, leaning against the frame.  
"No thanks." She says, ignoring the innuendo and Pip's waggling eyebrows. "I'll ruin your fun and all the others will whistle and pinch my arse like last time."  
"A taste of your own medicine." Pip turns and faces me. "Give us lift then, yeah?"  
I put down my paper, still in a bit of shock about the familiarity of the outfit.  
"Sure."  
Lindsay snorts. "Rather you than me." she mutters. I look at her. Usually she spends every possible moment with Pip. I stand up and grab a set of keys, pausing at the door to pull some shoes on.

I pull up outside a rather unremarkable looking old building, except for the neon sign saying 'Princess Bar'. The name is all too familiar.  
"You coming in for a drink?" Pip asks, smirking slightly.  
"Um, no. No I think I'll pass."  
"Nonsense!" she exclaims. "Of course you're coming in!"  
Before I can protest she grabs my hand and drags me out of the car. She squeals and kisses the doorman on the cheek. With a smile he opens the door.  
And so Pip drags me into a world of glitter, flashing lights, buff men looking grotesque in short dresses, high heels and makeup. Music is booming, the bass beating in your chest.  
"Am I the prettiest girls here?" Pip asks, sidling up to me.  
"You're the _only_ pretty girl here." I reply automatically. "The rest are hags and munters." Why did I say that I ask myself. All of this is so similar. Images from my imagination coming to life. She blushes and giggles, tripping over to the bar in her massive heels. She orders drinks and I sit down on a stool in a daze.  
"What do you think?" Pip asks, placing two glasses on the table.  
"Um… wow?" I think that's the right thing to say. I could see now why Lindsay hadn't wanted to come. Pink lights flash, silver glitter floating in the air and scattered on the floor. Too loud music that's doesn't seem to have a rhythm or melody of any kind.  
"I'm on in a minute!" Pip informs me, gulping down an electric blue drink. I nod numbly. She skips off, leaving me in the care of a man wearing layers upon layers of pink puffy skirts, fishnets covering his hairy legs, a tight frilly corset and what seems like a ton of makeup. He, she, starts to talk to me. No, not to me, at me. I sip the beer Pip left me and zone out, trying to ignore my immediate surroundings.  
After a few drinks, things start to make more sense. The drag queens look less… weird… the lights and glitter become funny and I start to relax into this strange new world.  
"… Ophelia Cummings!"  
The name breaks through my trance. My head snaps up, the applaud fades and the lights focus on the stage. The music changes. A strange whirring and then trumpets burst into an oddly seductive tune. And, there she is, perched on a polished red stool .She stands up slowly, taking her time to fit with the music. She takes a few mincing steps into the full stage lights...Oh my lord, Pip - _Ophelia_ stands, resplendent in a white satin sailor suit that cuts high enough to see more than edge of pink frilled knickers and low enough to see the Libra tattoo on her collarbone. Black leather suspenders snake down her legs to the top of her thigh high boots. I don't even need to count to know that there are twelve buckles. Her hair has been teased and straightened to within an inch of its life and has a sailor hat perched in the middle. She has on ridiculously long false eyelashes and scarlet lipstick. Then Ophelia, in all her pouty, nautical, angular glory begins to dance.  
It's a dance unlike any I've seen before. Its burlesque meets cabaret meets the Muppets. For all her pathetic shape and platform heels, she can dance. She looks confident and fiery and _almost _sexy. Not quite. She's still Pip. She teeters and waggles and struts about the stage lip-syncing innuendo after innuendo. After what seems like an age the song comes to an end and Pip grins hugely, bowing first forwards and then a little shimmery backwards bow so the audience gets to see yet more of her fuscia undergarments. The meaty hag that's sitting next to me wolf whistles. And Pip winks suggestively at her...him...whatever. I could see why Lindsay stayed home. Oh god, and we still had the final number. With all of the sparkly gender-benders on the same stage. I wished for the umpteenth time that night that I was at home with Lindsay, reading.


End file.
